Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
