I heard we made out
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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