so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
