So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
