hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
