a queef is a wish your heart makes.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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