She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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