Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
