There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
