If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
