just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
