I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize