It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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