My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
