I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
