I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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