People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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