I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
