Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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