I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
