When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
