She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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