Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
