two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
