You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
