four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
