i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm having to shit out rocks
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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