Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
