I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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