I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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