he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
