I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
