So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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