I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I need water and some morals
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
