i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize