oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
