I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize