Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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