WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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