We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Houston, we have a blender
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
