her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
