My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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