god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
