she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
