I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
