Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
