I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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