Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
