i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
a search helicopter?!
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
