I think I died a long time ago.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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