woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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