I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
