so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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