i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
