I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
