I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
