i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
